Who Taught You to Hate Yourself ? Introduction

I just have one question for you before you start reading this. Who taught you to hate yourself? My hope is that by the time you are actually old enough to read this, your response will be no one. Not just because I did a great job as a parent, but because the world has changed and we are in a better place now. Why did I ask you such a question you may be wondering. I ask because I am scared. I am scared the world will teach you to hate yourself like it once taught me. I am scared you will not have the confidence to walk into who you are supposed to be, not because of anything that you yourself have done, but due to the current conditions in which we live. What conditions you must be wondering. Please let me tell you through my perspective. The perspective of not only your parent, but of someone that has had to endure 28 years of this world.

We live in a world in which mainstream values, devoid of a love ethic, have led us down a spiraling staircase to our own destruction. For proof, one needs to look no further than the headlines of the past year, 2021 — Black death every time you turn on the news, a mishandled global pandemic, wars across the globe, and daily attacks on information, people, and cultures via the media. Along the descent down the staircase, you will find over time a creation of societies, systems, and power structures that seek to dominate, not liberate, oppress, and not free. These manifest into the things we now call racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, and so many more drivers of despair in our world. My wish is that at some point for the descent to end, and for the climb to not only begin, but sustain. I hope that up the staircase we find love, healing, and peace, but it seems like every time we start to climb, we fall again. Two steps forward one step back as they say.

All that is to say, the world is a bit complicated to say the least, as I am sure you have found out for yourself. As you go through your day to day life, you are met with things that inspire you and give your life meaning. You are also met with challenges that test your ability to react to adversity. Everyone deals with adversity, it is rarely something one can avoid. My worry for you though is that this world, which I believe can provide abundant inspiration and opportunity, may attempt to crush you under the same weight that Black bodies have had to endure for centuries.

The classification of race was always meant to create a clear power structure ensuring White dominance at the expense of all other races. The reason(s) for this happening are debated amongst society but regardless, the result cannot be denied; a power structure which seeks to subjugate Black, Brown, and other so called “minority” races was created. This narrative slowly became codified in society through thought, writing, and practice. One need look no further than the dictionary to see this truth. The 1828 Webster dictionary defines black as sullen, atrociously wicked, and horrible. The definition for White is pure, clean, and unblemished. These definitions, as well as the policies and practices, have taught the world to hate you and me, and for us to hate each other.

It is because of this system of domination called racism, and other systems in which it intersects, that I worry the world will teach you not only hate of yourself, but sadly also hate others as well. I believe there is no place in one’s heart for hate. All hate does is act as an anchor on the heart, day by day getting heavier until the day that anchor drags you down somewhere you may never come back from ever. When brought down to that place, all you know is pain. That pain is not enough for you to contain so it seeks to consume you and all those around you. I speak eloquently on the subject because I was there once myself — down, depressed, defeated, questioning my self worth and who I was — luckily love brought me back. For me the hate for myself manifested in a lack of identity. Being Black and the son of immigrants growing up in America in mostly white institutions created much confusion for me and I started to allow others to define who I was. That is until I learned a powerful lesson, we are not born hating ourselves or anyone else, we are taught.

So I say this to you my child, even though the world seeks to hold you down with its systems of hate, choose love. Choose to love yourself though it may be hard because every time you turn on the TV, you see how the world has failed you. Choose to love your body, mind, and culture. Choose to love in the face of hate. Finally, choose to love your cousins. When I say cousins I do not mean my siblings’ kids I mean the Diaspora. We are all connected. Though we may not fully realize it, when one hurts, we all hurt. That is why it is important for us to love each other and for you to choose love. Only love will bring us together and only through that bond, will we be able to truly address the systems that teach us to hate each other.

I fear for you and our cousins. I fear that if we do not come together there will be a point where we will never be able to get out from under this system which seeks to crush us. But this letter is not only based in fear, rest assured. This letter is based in hope. I write this in hopes that you lead by example and others will follow. I write hoping that my words reach and move you to action, the action of leading with love.

In this letter I will talk to you about hate and love. The hate the world teaches us of ourselves and others, and the love I wish to instill in you to combat that hate. I hesitate to speak too much on hate because I do not want you to feel hopeless and get dragged down thinking there is no hope, but in order to understand love, I believe we must analyze hate. We must understand the way in which we are taught to hate ourselves and others in order to unlearn and love.

There are three things that I want you to take away from reading this letter.

If nothing else, try and commit to doing these things. These principles to abide by will ensure you lead a life filled with love though others may tell you it is impossible. If you listen to these three principles I will never fear for you. The three principles are as follows:

1. Love yourself wholeheartedly. Do not question your love for yourself and do not let anyone interrupt the love you have for yourself. Keep that connection with yourself pure, solid, and constant.
2. Show love to those around you, your neighbors, friends, and your family. Show love even when it’s hard because one day you will ask the same of them. Show love but do not be a fool to it. Do not let others use love to manipulate you.
3. Take the love you have shown yourself and others and let it out into the world. Allow that love to gather people together and be the reason people love instead of hate. Organize around love.

The rest of this letter centers around these principles. I will talk of hate and its many forms, especially those that affect people of the Diaspora. I will explain to you the role the media plays and how we are indoctrinated into teachings of hate at an early age. I will talk about how all of this has led us to hate ourselves and our neighbors plus the unique role that racism plays in the division of Black people. A force that causes us to hate each other. I will talk of so much more all in the hopes of leading you back to these three principles. Someone once said if you knew better you’d do better. In writing this letter my hope is that I am providing you with the knowledge and insights to do better. Better than I have ever done. Better than our ancestors ever did. Just better.

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Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair? Who taught you to hate the color of your skin? To such extent you bleach, to get like the white man. Who taught you to hate the shape of your nose and the shape of your lips? Who taught you to hate yourself from the top of your head to the soles of your feet? Who taught you to hate your own kind? Who taught you to hate the race that you belong to so much so that you don’t want to be around each other? No… Before you come asking Mr. Muhammad does he teach hate, you should ask yourself who taught you to hate being what God made you.

-Malcom X

This is a small excerpt from a speech that Malcolm X gave on May 5, 1962 at the funeral service of Ronald Stokes in Los Angeles, who was killed by the LAPD. The incident occurred on April 27th at a mosque that previously been monitored by the police department. Then one night there was a disputed altercation between the police and the members of the mosque that resulted in an overwhelming police force killing of seven members of the Nation of Islam that night, including Stokes.